Cheney emerged today to give a speech to the American Legion. It must be odd to have to pretend in public to dislike the very things that bring joy to your life (insert Larry Craig reference here). “We do not torture,” he said, suppressing a gleeful cackle. “War is an unpleasant business,” he proclaimed, knowing that the podium was hiding his erection.
Bush also manfully faced the most friendly audience he could find today, at the Heritage Foundation. He thought this speech would be so important (he was wrong) that he gave reporters a preview of it in the morning. (I’ll be mixing together quotes from both). He was giving the speech, he said, because he is “concerned that there are some...” (He refuted his dread arch-enemies, the unspecified, mysterious, shadowy “Some,” quite often today.) “...who have lost sight of the fact that we’re at war with extremists and radicals who want to attack us again” and he would “remind people that even though we haven’t been attacked since September the 11th, there’s still an enemy out there that would like to attack us.” So consider yourself reminded.
He also said that he would end the speech with OTHER WORDS: “And then finally, I’ll conclude the speech by reminding people that this concept of stability has -- in other words, that foreign policy ought to promote stability as opposed to freedom has led to dangers, and that the only way to solve America’s long-term security needs is to remember that the enemy that we face can only recruit when there’s hopelessness and despair; and that liberty has got the capacity to transform societies from hopeless societies to hopeful societies; and that this administration will continue to press the freedom agenda; and obviously, that freedom agenda is being tested in places like Lebanon, Iraq, and the Palestinian Territories and Afghanistan.” You know, other words.
He said that “Unfortunately, on too many issues, Some in Congress are behaving as if America is not at war,” and during a war (the one you were just reminded of), there needs to be a “full national security team in place,” including an attorney general. “My point is, is that it’s creating a -- to have the Attorney General seat vacant for this long -- there’s an Acting Attorney General, of course, but not to have a confirmed Attorney General is not good for the country.” Remember how well everything went when we had Ashcroft or Gonzo?
He said it was “unfair” that Mukasey was asked about waterboarding. “He has not been read into the program, and won’t until he is confirmed and sword in”. Sword in? He may be thinking of the Skull and Bones initiation ceremony. Anyway, he says, whatever interrogation techniques are used by the CIA, they were made legal by what he’s still calling the Detainee Detention Act. “The procedures used in this program,” he asserted, “are safe. They are lawful. And they are necessary.” Indeed, they are safe: there’s even a safe word. Well, a safe sentence: “Oh god I’ll say anything you want me to say, just make it stop.”
OR NOT: Asked by a reporter if the delay confirming Mukasey was political, he said that he’d leave that to his minions: “You can listen to the voices that are out there talking as to whether or not this is politics or not.”
THEY’LL BE COMING ‘ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN THEY COME: “I look forward to visiting with [Turkish] Prime Minister Erdogan on this important subject as to how we can work together to prevent people from coming out of mountain ranges to do harm to Turkish troops.”
Asked if Congress has forgotten we’re at war: “Well, I think there is a tendency for people to say, well, maybe -- let me just say, there are Some who say, don’t call this a war on terror. And there are Some who have accused me of using the words ‘war on terror’ as a way to frighten people into voting booths....” (Presumably cement-lined, bomb-proof voting booths.) “...And I emphasize the word ‘Some.’ As I’ll say in this speech, those who say we’re not in a war on terror are either disingenuous or naive. Either way, the attitude is dangerous because I will have quoted the words of the enemy in the speech, an enemy that said, we’re going to come and kill you.”
NO I WON’T BE AFRAID, NO I WON’T BE AFRAID, JUST AS LONG AS YOU STAND, STAND BY ME: Just as he got fixated on the word “say” in the first sentence of that quote, at Heritage he stumbled over “stand”: “They’re at war with America because they hate what they stand for -- and they understand we stand in their way.”
WHO WILL STAND IN THE WAY OF TERRORISTS? “America, the world’s free nation [sic]”.
GEORGE HEARS VOICES: “Once again, voices in Washington are arguing that the watchword of the policy should be ‘stability.’ And once again they’re wrong.” So all the chaos and instability you’ve caused was intentional?
“When it comes to funding our troops, Some in Washington should spend more time responding to the warnings of terrorists like Osama bin Laden and the requests of our commanders on the ground, and less time responding to the demands of MoveOn.org bloggers and Code Pink protesters.” I suspect he intended a comma after MoveOn.org, but possibly that’s just my wishful thinking as a blogger, like when a reporter called up Dick Gregory to inform him that he was on Richard Nixon’s enemies list, and he said, tell Nixon I accept, quick, before he changes his mind.
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