From the Daily Telegraph, which is so much more fun than a real newspaper:

THE first cockney Bible, with Jesus speaking in rhyming slang, will be published in May with the endorsement of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Written by a religious education teacher from the East
End of London, the Bible's account of the feeding of the 5,000 in Chapter VI of the Gospel of John becomes Jesus making a "Jim Skinner" (dinner). It describes him feeding 5,000 "geezers" from five loaves of "Uncle Ned" (bread) and two "Lilian Gish" (fish).